Ok, duh. I’ve got it a lot, you probably did too. I’ve showed it in in real life and words here, on my blog.
Here’s my mindset and thoughts on how to combat it and let my confidence come through easier, also a message to my past and future self.
But(t)s
That all sucks, clearly, but there’s a few “but”‘s. It feels like physical pain most of the time and the brain feels like it distorts thoughts and lose time conscious, even self awareness. Absolutely forgetting what’s going on, and feel an intense fear of something that we feel it’s bigger than ourselves.
- But #1, this feels to be naturally afraid of people out of nothing most of the time. It might be caused by the social construct, being educated by our parents to be under rough control and limitations, or rise up in an toxic environment around emotionally discouraging people or events. We’re afraid to be controlled and be limited, our freedom being cut out or depending on someone, being afraid to lose them or their trust.
- But #2, this isn’t healthy, I fucking hate it, you do too, so why the hell do we stay with ourselves this much longer? Not planning to leave that an unanswered question as a statement; We can control ourselves, if not, exercise our own control for our own good and reassure our values and the the values of the reason that makes us anxious in the first place.
- But #3, just fucking talk even if you’re afraid, stand up as there’s no tomorrow, you literally live once. Do something about it, preferably the exact opposite your state of mind tells you to do. Of course, I don’t advise to not be afraid of anything else, like snakes or spiders (fuck those, they do nothing good to the planet or I’m just an uncultured cunt), which can actually kill you. I’m talking about obvious inoffensive things that makes us feel the most offended and anxious.
Oscilation
Emotions fly like birds over atmosphere. Feel high but breathless, far and lonely (poor birds). This segment is mainly to describe my own process of anxiety, which as follows, at times I hold on the control, but the next day I completely fall lower than ever before. I don’t get that, but it does happen.
Fears
I’m afraid of people which have power over me (or that’s what I think), and I’m sure that’s common. I’m afraid to disappoint people or showing/having a bad image, which instantly makes me think not only about what they would think about me, but what I would think if I’d know they’d think something bad about me. My brain is clusterfuck of confusion, and when that happens, I cannot think of anything else.
Suicide
While I have this in mind, when people tell suicidal people “you’re not alone”, that’s the worst shit, basically saying “look, there’s this whole group of people that has also been thinking to killing themselves”, not reassuring anything good, it’s only more depressing.
I’ve thought about suicide only once in my life, never since. I wasn’t depressed, surprisingly. I was about 16, living alone with my mother, I wasn’t working even though I was offered work (I refused), I was doing music but that did not fulfill my satisfaction then, nor hopes for the future. I was kinda tired to attempt to make something out of myself, it felt heavy and quite demotivated on a general scale, even though I had fun making music at the time. The financial support was bad, I had what I wanted, the little I wished I got, my mom got me, but BUT but BUT, no but, God bless my mother (if there’s any ‘God’). My grandma died recently and that cancelled my desire in any situation of my life to ever take the easy way out. If I was going to live on the streets, I wanna live my life to the fullest and self-develop mentally, to finally accept things that scare me.
PLEASE NOTICE I’m aware that actual suicidal people have a darker and more static state of mind than I do, so please do contact someone and put those feelings out through talking, it does help.
Messages
To my past self:
(nothing, bitch go through all that pain and figure yourself out)
To my future self:
First things first, you’re doing alright, so fuck you. I bet you won’t wish me the same back, and not because I’m not your type, so I won’t go fuck myself. I hope you’re happy though, at this time being I love my life and I feel it progressing in only good, and that’s realistically speaking. I know you know, but you give me headaches. Hug Chris later!
Solve
Confidence. Find it in every single edge of a shadow of the reason you get anxious about. Get a motivation boost and find a comfortable spot to cover it up and literally ignore that specific thing. Being ignorant with some things really puts them away (temporarily at least, giving you time to process and correctly solve those things). Few years ago I had other issues, and with the same method I learned a lot and feel better than ever.
Control your anxiety, as rarted as that sounds. You’re the fucking boss of your mind (yep, that’s confidence). If staying sad there for years, just in agony, feel sorry for yourself, you honestly are at least a bit dumb. That does not comfort you, does not even help anything really. If you care about things, you reach them by first taking care of yourself. If it does not apply whatsoever, you need professional help, which I ain’t. I am aware there are at least few people living with absolutely no feeling of inspiration or happiness, clinically depressed and such. That’s a sad thought, but mind amputees and incapable people exist, which live rough lives.
I am aware it’s 2019 and people get offended easily, but I honestly don’t care. I don’t think I’m right in the name of you as the reader nor general public, it’s just the way I am thinking about things. Have a good day! 🤗
