Death · Family · Insecurity · Personal · Security

Letting Go

Good particular morning.

It feels and sounds like every time I post, it’s about something sad, negative and describing myself struggle. Well, set back and take a round with me on this one, please.

I never emotionally depended on anyone and tried not to until I accidentally fell for someone, a previous friend of mine which does not accept or want my presence around. Cue to Aly & AJ Take Me.

There’s this individual which I only saw as a part of me and reflected a lot on who I wanted to be, seeing reasons to fight and better myself and who they allegedly considered they used to be like me, on the overall out of the box thought process and sentimental relationships. We went through about a month of knowing eachother, and then things got absolutely toxic. Within this month, I honestly never thought I’d be able to get the feeling of someone so deeply and feel so connected with. It’s the sort of connection which you don’t want to end, like it’s meant to be there because it feels like it fulfills the holes nobody could fulfill. Cue to Aly & AJ I Know.

We used to love the same music mostly, like Aly & AJ and Monarchy. We listened together and have had the greatest feelings and felt on top of the world. We both read pages of definitions to our individual personalities as we noticed we become toxic and tried to make things work out, trying to be accepting and preventive with certain aspects we’d have to overcome. It’s been hell being so involved and seeing we hurt each-other. I admit I pushed things where shouldn’t be at the wrong times, more than I can remember. But I also had plenty of time to realize that it wasn’t my fault entirely. Their part has been extremely sensitive and I ‘played’ around it too much. They even grew a beard for me, at least that’s what I think.

Monday 5th August — Grocery Shopping

Cue to Lana Del Fucking Ray Doin’ Time. Been taking a minute off shopping groceries for this week for my job (I began writing a Monday morning). Where was I; oh yeah, beards. I fucking love them. 

Even though when we analysed ourselves, we determined we’re practically the opposite kind of persons and how we handle minor to major issues when in arguments. It felt so fucking good though, November of 2018 has been a miracle to me. I never felt like that before, and makes me wonder what else will I encounter throughout my way to aging and what new feelings I’ll be feeling. I wrote ‘Major’ based on our friendship, which the artwork icon of my cartoony face is drawn by them. I never asked for permission but I never could, they have the tendency to solve problems by not clarifying things before permanently removing and blocking me throughout all social medias. I guess it’s just a personality trait, or more to say, disadvantage.

Cue to Nightly Honest. I know my wrongs, ok? I’ve been through friendships before, most of them ended within the first early months, the longest that held was for about a whole year, except my current 5+ year relationship.

At Work — Breakfast ‘cuz I can’t think gay without food

There were certain things we built throughout the friendship that stood out creatively from artistic directions and we began building ideas for a book. Basically discovering new things I never knew I’d really enjoy doing, even though I have some past amateur experiences of me writing small chunks of paragraphs which built up fantasy stories and aim-of-living kind of dreams.

I recently realized a person’s words are the strongest trait they’d be able to use against or on the side with factual situations. They also can make people feel things, — I was aware before this, don’t diagnose me as a sociopath yet, please. Sometimes they can make people more or less interested in you and ricochet feelings from what you meant to what has been perceived.

Things didn’t work out, clearly, even though I wanted this person in my life forever because even the push-back I was receiving, I never had negative intention in the first place. They’ve been going through an array of issues throughout their life, and they feel quite unstable at the time, very lost and I can recall them talking about considering suicide as an obvious way-out.

It’s been uh — fucking 8 months since I’ve been blocked by this person I tried to reach out just to wish well and ask about their day. It’s embarrassing to admit that I’ve paid attention almost every day to their Instagram and see how they’re doing, just as a regular check-up on a cared for person. I might have been overthinking it, but at some point they wrote direct messages in their private Instagram bio, but mainly self degrading and push-backs which felt directly towards me. I feel I’m obsessive and I am so that’s why I’m Letting Go. It’s only been twice as hard because at the same time as things were difficult with this person, my grandmother was dying of cancer. It does not compare but both situations affected me a lot, the need to keep them near me because of the emotions I was embraced while around them.

Almost into my break — Reasons I’m still here

Only that I’m always filled with hope and retry. I feel there was chance of getting back this person in my life but they just don’t want me there. I’m writing this only as a memoir so I can slowly forget the events and properly get over those, so this post might be triggering for me later on, but I won’t read it (I guess).

Have a good life, once and for all, Sam. I won’t check on you trying to see how you’re doing, nor ever allow myself to get to know you again and further.

Anyway how’s y’all day been? Mine’s great! My work project’s evolving nicely and having lots of fun at home with my other fun projects.