Death · Family · Personal

Life & Death

My sweet and dearing grandmother died.

Right at the time of writing this (26th March 2019), I’m on my way back home, to Austria from Romania. Grandma died last Friday (22nd March 2019) at around 17:00 / 5pm. I witnessed her passing, through a video-call me and my mom had.

She wasn’t alone. My mom (daughter of my grandmother) was taking care of her full days, living with her and taking care of grandma’s needs. She got in time to call for her sisters and my grandpa to come and witness her passing and say their good-byes, them crying and desperately trying to assure my grandma that they love her and they are sorry for their mistakes. Her last words were “Me too.” as my mom last told her “I love you, mom!”.

I have recorded the video-call, but did not take a look at it since, except 2 times when I showed it to my cousins back home to Romania. It is heartbreaking, nerve-wracking and chilling, I could not recognize her, she weighted less than I currently do (50-54 kilograms).

Opinions

I stared for minutes to hours at my grandma’s body at the funeral, I tried to imagine what death is and feels like to her and where is she gone. Logically, I’m aware that her whole knowledge, consciousness and sense of being lives only in her brain, that’s where she perceives what life is. Once she dies, the brain also dies which decays, so all the information she ever gathered in her brain, are also decaying, simply not active anymore. She now from her own perspective never knew she even existed.

This sort of thought is bad, my close cousin said, but I have place for being also spiritual, so I do not just hold onto this dark and sadistic thought. I feel closer connected to death than before, I feel more appreciative and accommodating. It is a hard pill to swallow, but it really is a step to something, or a step to nothing, I cannot figure out.

Her

She suffered a lot, she was in pain and died in her own bed in her house, as she wished. This was just for a few months, before then, she was this stunningly amazing grandmother, kindhearted and really loved by everyone kind of person. She wished to die sooner because she felt too awful and told my mom multiple times that “nobody should go through this, or live like this”.

Specialshits

The specialist doctors in Romania are as I always expected, money hungry cunts and idiots, not doing their job right or even at all. They do not always fail but their and nurse support in Timisoara is fucking disgusting. While being in the hospital, grandma witnessed a woman next to her dying from negligence of the nurses, while that woman was having a seizure, grandma was trying to scream for help, but couldn’t much enough, because she was energy drained. Later that day, the poor woman passed away from pain.

My grandmother could’ve been alive now if they would’ve done the job right. Multiple so-called ‘specialists’ checked her out and her problems, where the pain was coming from, and they all or most decided she has ovary cancer. She then went through rough weeks of 4-5 times of chemotherapy just for that. After that they figured out the cancer has developed almost in her whole body starting from colon. She had colon cancer.

Side note, not as important, but few years ago when I was at some doctor to get my eyes checked, there was 2 women (not ladies, because they were cunts) which mainly started asking personal questions, about what am I doing, where am I living, that sort. I was there with my grandma, and then I said to them “It’s my personal life, which I don’t wanna share”, then they started gossiping and became grumpy at me. I was there to get my glasses numbers which when I got my glasses with the numbers they gave me, they didn’t do shit, the glasses were too weak and the left lens had 0% distortion. They accepted grandma’s gifts though (as she usually gives to the doctors), cheese and such, of course.

Awareness

I feel quite weird and out of place. Not sad nor happy, just numb. I used to talk to her pretty much everyday, maximum once a week since I moved alone. Clearly a lot of her in my life, and now not being able to speak to her again, feels so off and degrading. At the time of writing this (29th March 2019), I cannot understand that concept. It indeed feels like a weird blockage which does not allow you to accept it and move on.